Dealing with the Vanilla World

Dealing with the Vanilla World

Well, another month, another topic, another meeting - Hurray! This month's topic - dealing with the vanilla world. Well, to this topic all I can say is "oh my God / Goddess what a revelation I had". What a story, maybe not the most amazing story but something that rocked my world. At first I was going to write a generalized thought on dealing with the vanilla world. Much to my surprise, I found myself digging a bit deeper into myself.

So allow me to share some thoughts and feelings. I apologize if this writing turns out to be more about my self than everyone. Apparently I needed to clear my mind out loud with friends.

Before I get into the story I'd like to talk about my original thoughts on this subject. For me dealing with the vanilla world has been separated into three categories.

work

friends

family

1. Work: Work for me is the easiest to deal with. No one there needs to know anything as deep and personal as my leather lifestyle. One doesn't normally go to the office, hang out by the water cooler and say "hey Joe, what's up? How was your weekend? Mine was rough! Damn, was my slave disobedient. Ugh, what a drag!" It's easy to stay private and talk about football and the weather. These worlds need not collide. I find myself lying or rather, covering up what I did over my vacation or weekend if I go to a leather event but it stops there.

2. Friends: This one has a tendency to be tricky. I often entertain or have vanilla friends housesit for me. There are some tricky situations. It's My household, so I don't want the established protocols to be disrupted, whether it's barb not utilizing the furniture or requesting permission to use the bathroom, etc. Luckily my vanilla friends are very cool. If barb whispers for permission for something, they seem to think nothing of it. They do always seem to want her to sit on the furniture though! But barb just says she's comfortable on the floor and it comes across as being a good hostess - enough seating for the guests and all that. I'm in a good position being the dread headed, tattooed, rock n roll, pierced guy. They know I'm different, they know somewhat that there's a BDSM component to our relationship, they know My household is different but it's kind of on a don't ask, don't tell basis. Somehow that SM part is OK with them but the M/s is a bit of a stretch. However, I trust my vanilla friends - or they wouldn't be my friends to begin with, so if they do ask, I will tell. This household is strongly prepared to open up and be honest on this front.

3. Family: Family is the roughest of all. I think we all want our families to understand us and love us unconditionally. This can be easier said than done. I think many of repress who we really are from our birth/adopted families. (I don't mean our leather families) The strain, stress and fear of rejection can be devastating to our psyches. The struggle is two fold. Both sociological and psychological. Facing society, wearing your colors proudly and standing up for what you believe in. These social issues can be very trying. After all, many leaders over many centuries have stood up for their beliefs only to be stoned, crucified or exiled. Granted, what we face may not be as harsh as that, but the psychological punishment can be equally as harsh. Somewhere in all this there needs to be a strength. I like to remember Stonewall or the civil rights marches in the south. Though I certainly was not there, those people stared a prejudice right in the face, took the punishment and still tried educate others. Just because I'm with family shouldn't mean that I have to be some one or something other than what I am. I would not advocate needlessly pushing the M/s lifestyle in families faces. But when or if questions arise, it may be best to give answers in small doses. Teach and educate, in the hope that people can come understand.

At family functions there sometimes needs to be a lowered protocol for us. It's almost rehearsed. I find myself playing out situations out loud and in my head on how to deal with situations that may come up. We generally discuss how barb will behave before hand. It's not necessarily appropriate for her to sit on the floor or ask for permission for the things that she may need to do. Sometimes barb is on her own to do the right things and not step on any ones toes. Other times there's a pre-arranged "eye contact" system in place for her to request permission for things.

I find myself more willing to lessen protocol around family than barb is. So when barb takes my plate or does other service oriented duties my family will call me lazy and tell her not to let me push her around. Inside I give a cowardly smirk thinking "if they only knew". Not proud of how I've spun the situation but satisfied that I got through it.

So, I thought I had a lot of the answers. Weaving quietly through leather and vanilla. Feeling that leather is a pliable material and I could weave accordingly. After the situation that occurred, which I write about below, I find myself searching out how to educate family and friends. This is not a crusade but it seems a new reality is growing. A new challenge, if you will.

Until the last MAsT meeting. I felt great. We had a great meeting and I made it through my first meeting as facilitator. I was among good friends. A lot of us were going out for dinner afterwards. All was serene until barb grabs me and says a vanilla family member has just walked into the meeting room. ( OK, barb did not call her a vanilla family member. The names have been changed to protect the vanilla) My words were "holy shit! Did she see you?" barb replied "i don't think so, Sir." I said "good - let's get out of here NOW!" so away I ran.

On my way home it hit me. I ran. But this could happen again. Who's to say this relative won't appear again next month? What do I say if confronted? Can I weave in and out of this "mess"? I am now presented with the strong possibility of being confronted. What to do? Suddenly leather is not so pliable.

As I read my own words I can only determine that I need to prepare myself for questions. I realize I'm an open book, regardless of how I handle a family function. For example I have three leather pride stickers on my car. Eventually someone may ask "hey man, what's that"? I better figure how to educate. I don't have any answers on how much I should tell my family or how in depth my answers should be to them. There is definitely a fine line to be walked here. I'm already the "black sheep" of the family. So I ask if family presents questions what is the most practical way to educate. Granted all families and situations are unique but what experiences have you heard of or experienced?